My 1st week back at work was the culprit. Coupled with handing my lovely babies off to another woman to nurture them through the day, and being in a different environment, fine tuning and relearning my employee self. I was and still am in these early weeks back at work, essentially an amnesia victim trying to come to terms with their 'new life'. I will fall back into the groove, picking up where I left off 12 months ago, but until then I feel dissociated with my 9-5 world.
As a few of us at the office stood around today at coffee, enjoying the sun light in the window someone asked "What are we doing here?" to which I answered "Missing life." Now I know in actuality, she meant, "Why are we here, standing in the front office, looking out the window, instead of busily shuffling papers at out desks" but again in ACTUALITY we were missing life. It was going on mere feet away from us on the sundrenched pavement of Main Street. Motorhome after motorhome, followed by trucks and trailers, VW Vanagons, cars and tent trailers....all going SOMEWHERE while we stood there going NOWHERE.
Maybe my dad was right when he questioned my mental health years ago. My wandering ways, my need to keep moving, my ability to float from town to town, job to job he blamed on our own immediate family's nomadic lifestyle. Born in Prince George n 1974, we moved nearly every year up until 1982 when we settled in the Central Okanagan. I was hustled and bustled from school district to school district. Making friends and losing friendships along the way. My mother told it best when we arrived in Campbell River when I was 7 or so. Having nothing to do one day and bored to tears she literally kicked me out of the house to canvas the neighborhood in search of friends. Door after door I knocked on asking whomever answered if the had any kids until I found a family with children and made a new best friend. Come to think about it maybe thats why I can never remember a persons name. I never had to remember names from my youth, why bother when we weren't going to be around long enough to enjoy birthday parties and Easter egg hunts. So my lack of memory and vagabond ways are to be blamed on my childhood? If it were that easy huh! A fierce independent streak that made me sell my car and spend the stash on a ticket to Italy in 1995 is the fault of my parents? I would much rather look at it as though it was a gift rather than a fault. But sitting here absorbed in the moment, wanting ever so much to gather my family and zoom off to a location unknown in our 29 foot Class A I just can't see it as a gift.
It pesters me, this urgency to journey. I can't survive one small simple 24 hour period without thinking about where we can go next. What plans we have made to travel come this winter. California in January, or the Maritimes in March? If I could channel this atomic energy I create when I am in this kind of mood I could power our whole house for a month. Instead I try to think it all out. Puncture a hole in this dizzy head of mine and leak out the dreams one by one. Conjure up as many crazy ideas as I can to free this dang unwanted impractical monster from my already exhausted mind. Then when all is quiet and my brain is back to normal (whatever that is) I can then venture forth into the humdrum life of dishes and laundry. Where I actually find solitude and peace. Ahh...to lose oneself in the monotony of laundry, that's where I am headed tonight.
Now back to Cowboys and paper horses. See how tangents can take hold?
It was never meant to be a theme. The cowboy hat just happened at the department store last week. It fit, he liked, so we bought. Then the news that the country fair is coming to town. Daycare makes horse crafts. The next thing you know I have a full on 'ridem cowboy' on my front lawn galloping into the sunset. What an absolute dream he is my Little B. Soft cheeks, bony legs, crooked smile, and he's all mine. Well my husbands too, but i take most of the credit for his positive traits!
1 comment:
i understand...i so love the feeling of hitting the road to go on an adventure...thank goodness for evenings and weekends, right?
luv,
so
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