The lottery of life.....

I am uncharacteristically anxious about going back to work. Lets be honest. 12 months off on Maternity Leave with a 3 year old and a new baby is WORK. It's a hell of alot harder than inputing data and answering the phone all day.
In my normal day at work I can be sure to finish my coffee before it's stone cold. At home however with a rambunctious 3 year old doing break dancing moves and jump kicks over the baby's head, coffee is inevitably going to get luke warm at best.


So where are these bothersome butterflies coming from? My kids will be spending their days taken care of one of the best daycare providers this side of Mars. Her caring and nurturing goes above and beyond my own maternal ways. My job is familiar to me. I miss the 'water cooler chats' and occasional office politics. I am even getting a raise! Nevertheless shaking the blues and feeling of near desperation from my bones is becoming a daily task. I know full well that once back in the game I will be happy. So why the unease?
Getting the kids ready for daycare, myself ready for work, dishes in the dishwasher, cats and dog fed, litter box cleaned, dinner planned, car seats organized; all these seem more like simple chores than burdens believe it or not. I sometimes think I thrive on turmoil, finding inner peace as I systematically bring order to chaos. Why else would I absentmindedly bring yet another cat into the already overcrowded litter box?


Is this feeling of apprehension coming from somewhere out in left field? Maybe it's not to do with getting back into the work force at all. Anyone who knows B and I know we are brimming with daydreams. Leaving in the '72 Suburban, making dust to the East Coast where we would nestle into a new life. Thats one reoccurring image. Others include spending our days with the Californian surf lapping at our toes as the kids splash in the salt water and build sand castles...to match mummy and daddy's castles in the air!


When asked what I would do if I won the lottery I inevitable come up with the same answers. Quit my job. Buy a motorhome. Travel the country with my family. These confirmations breathe life back into me when I am down. Spending time with B and our two angels is my number one pursuit in life. If I could make a career out of loving my family, keeping them close, making memories for them to carry with them through their years; this would be a career I would be proud of. I know I can still carry these simple things out while I work, while they're at daycare, while we rush around the house organizing our days. My parents did it, thousands of others do it every day. But is it what I want? No, it's not.

So why the inconsistency? Why do we buy a house, make a home, purchase vehicles, so we have to work 8 hours or more a day to pay for everything? In your heart of hearts you must admit you really don't have an answer. You're immediate response will be what all others say. It's what we do. We have to save for the future, save for when we are old. "You must put life off until you have no life left." Thats what I hear when I tell myself these things.


If I search deep down inside my soul I know what I want. A simple life. A roof over my head, warmth for my babies, food for their bellies, 4 wheels to get me to my part time job and home again. Most would look at our lives right now and say that IS what we have! But it's still too much. We work out of necessity. We live quasi paycheck to paycheck. We travel, we 'see', we find time to spend together as a family, raking in the soft hugs and wet kisses as if they will suddenly halt tomorrow. We live life within our means pushing the limits every which way so we can be as happy as we possibly can and do as many of the things we want to do. I can't complain. Italy has touched the soles of my feet this past year. Boating, camping, road trips to unknown locations based entirely on early morning whims.


So we go on. Work our long days. Cash our paychecks. Pay our bills. Plan for more trips a 1/4 of which are realistic, another 1/4 of THOSE ever coming to fruition. Before we know it we will be taking Little B to his 1st day of Kindergarten, teaching him how to drive a car, applauding at his graduation, walking Little C down the isle, swaddling our newborn grandchildren. Life will ebb and flow like the Californian Ocean we wish we were closer to. The ups and downs, tragedies of life, blessings and miracles; they will all happen, with or without our castles in the air materializing. We will grow old and look back on our incredible fortunate life and the memories we made and be thankful that everything went the way it did. Understanding fully at that moment that we won the lottery of life long, long ago. I hope at that moment when B and I are aged, holding each others wrinkly hands, reminiscing about our life together and the trails we blazed, we come to the conclusion that it really all WAS worth it. Endless hours spent working for someone else, daycares and babysitters spending countless hours parenting our children, buying and selling property trying to make a retirement nest egg for us to live out our days on.

Because you only get one chance to live your life. There won't be a DeLorean at our disposal. No time travel for regrets. I honestly don't think we'll ever regret one day of our lives. But will the lingering thoughts of "What if.." ooze into our elderly minds. "What if we really had sold everything and hit the open trail, destination south!?" "What if we moved to Nova Scotia?" What if we bought a farm in New Brunswick?"

Only time will tell where we land. Our entire lives may revolve around this little town in the desert. Our path may take us somewhere we never imagined. A fantasy so wild even we couldn't dream it up.
I know my purpose at the moment. It's to create a safe, secure, loving environment for my babies. Live my life to the fullest. Show my children how to do the same. Be thankful for my health and that of my family. Remember my past, my own loving upbringing, and try pass it along the best I can to Little B and C.
But in the back of my mind, in that little part of the brain that daydreams, plans, and concocts fantastic, impracticable plans and desires, I'll have my bags meticulously packed and the key in the ignition before Big B can even say "Lets do it!"